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Rachel on the Ranch Blog

On Feeling a Little Broken

On Feeling a Little Broken

I’m going to get a little vulnerable here because I need to, for my peace of mind. I’ve held off on writing this in fear of upsetting other women on this platform, but the transition from rancher back to “ranch wife” has been harder than I’d like to admit.

I truly believe that ALL roles on a farm or ranch matter. Whether you are in the equipment, rounding up cattle, running parts, making lunches, etc. Every role matters. BUT, when it comes to ME, and the expectations I have for myself, I don’t always believe that. I criticize myself for not doing more because I used to do it all.

I used to work side by side with Tom. I used to be in the thick of it every day. I learned how to drive all the trucks, operate all the equipment, and my ego took a huge hit when I gave that up.

When I get a text asking for lunch or parts, I can’t help but think about how that used to be someone else’s job. How I used to be the one in the machine needing the parts. I feel like a failure, like I gave up something I was really passionate about because it was the easier thing to do. I feel like I put in all this work only to crawl back to the way things used to be.

I obviously know that none of that is true. I made the right decision for Tom and I, but it SUCKS sometimes.

I share NONE of this for pitying comments and messages. Let’s not do that, ok? I share because truthfully, its been eating me alive and I needed to get it off my chest. I’ve felt so inauthentic in this space lately. Like I’m playing pretend, trying to fool everyone into thinking my life is all hilarious reels and pretty pictures. It nauseates me some days.

The truth is that right now, I feel a little broken. I feel like I’ve lost a huge part of my identity, and I don’t really know where to go from here.

I guess, all I can say to this wonderful community is thank you for being here. Thank you for sticking with me and supporting me and loving me when I don’t really feel like I deserve it.

I NEVER would have thought that “strangers” on the internet would become true friends of mine. I can’t thank you enough for that.

XX Rachel
Jan 18, 2022

Thanks for posting this! I truly feel your struggle!
Only mine is in the reverse! Recently left my ‘town’ job to be back up on our ranch full time.
Feeling like I just keep going back and forth. Which I am! There are always significant reasons for each change, but to me it feels like waffling!
I so appreciate your helpful words. Thank you for taking the time to post!

Jo Athey
Nov 08, 2021

Hey Just a quick question, wondering if you will be restocking the tip your hat to the girl up on the tractor graphic T-shirts before Christmas.🙏🏼

Sarah Van Laar

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